Almost Already Gone

Day Seven Hundred and Fifty Four

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 00:56:16 +0000

Thursday, 22 March 2012, 12.56am

You can’t force pieces to fit into a jigsaw. You can try, but ultimately they won’t fit in. Their edges will fray as you try to force their mismatched shapes, and in the end you’re left with a battered tile and an incomplete jigsaw.

If the world is your jigsaw, and that last piece is friendship, then I think I’m done. I think I found where I fit in the jigsaw, and I think I’ve found the pieces to hold me in.

Complete.

Day Seven Hundred and Forty

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 21:49:20 +0000

Thursday, 8 March 2012, 9.49pm

Sixteen days without social networking. I had anticipated some form of withdrawal symptoms, but I can’t say that I have experienced any at all. Occasionally there is the subconscious tendency, when staring blanking at my Mac screen, to open up Safari and check what is happening in the lives of my friends.

In actual fact, I’ve observed three main changes during the first stage of social networking aversion: my poor confrontational skills have improved; my ability to read the motivation behind people’s actions has improved; my inability to let go of people and events from the past has disappeared. I find this all rather strange. How can sites like Facebook have that much control over our mental processes?

Confrontation has certainly never been a strong feature of mine, and I avoid it at any costs. My local shop keeper could be stood, inches away from my face, yelling at me for allegedly stealing a bottle of Vitamin Water, lets imagine, and I would say nothing. In fact I would probably burst into tears. At least sixteen days ago this would have been the case. Today, I believe I would stand my ground and argue right back at him. In fact, a band member said some rather vicious and provocative comments last week, and my response wasn’t passive. When this has happened before, involving the same band member of mine, the last thing I did was take an active role in denying and defending myself. My theory is that through the medium of Facebook, I was able to be active behind his back; bitching to myself as I read his latest status or saw the latest photos he had been tagged in. Without this rather childish ability, the only outlet of this frustration and hurt is direct to him. Confrontation.

It would be just lovely for all of us if we were able to understand people fully. Experience tells us that what people say and what people mean are two different things entirely. What people think is also another thing altogether. It would be a fantastic skill to be able to read what people mean, and what people think…wouldn’t it? It’s a skill I have always wanted to posses anyway. It seems to be developing without the medium of Facebook to interact socially. Within the past week, it has come to my attention that three people I had thought of as very close friends are, in fact, worthy of nothing more than acquaintances. Without exploring it in more detail, it has been an eye opening experience. My previous narrow vision may have been the fault of reliance on text communication as opposed to verbal and physical communication. Facial expressions aren’t inherent in words sent on a computer screen. “Emoticons!” you might cry out; but it must be impossible for all human expressions to be accurately portrayed in an image, merely a millimetre in size. Think about it.

Letting go is such a desirable ability. I would bet that everyone that takes the time to read this will have had trouble letting go of a person, an event, a memory… We are all only human.
Last year, a rather serious relationship of mine ended rather badly and rather awkwardly. Although its termination gave me much satisfaction, I just could not forget him. No matter how much I wanted to, or how hard I tried. Realisation hit me today as I travelled through his home town; I hadn’t thought about him for almost two weeks. In fact, I had forgotten all about him. Completely. Perhaps it was because any memory I had left of him and the time we spent together remained on Facebook, and it was associated with him. It’s a plausible explanation.

During the first sixteen days of this experiment, I have lost friends in the process of loosing social networking, but for, what I believe, are positive reasons. I am no longer socially disillusioned, I am more social apt, and less technologically reliant. To me, these are positive results. Of course, it is a possibility that these changes are mere coincidence, and in fact the reduction of social networking has had no impact on my social and personal functioning at all. Personally, I doubt this highly.

It all raises the question, however, if we really know the impact Facebook is having on our mental wellbeing, our actions, and our daily lives. Will we ever know?

Day Seven Hundred and Thirty Three

Thu, 01 Mar 2012 01:00:36 +0000

Thursday, 1 March 2012, 1.00am

When a person is unable to sleep, does this automatically imply that there is an underlying psychological problem? Could it not be a physiological problem? Is it not possible that the answer simply lies with the functioning of the brain being unable to accept its own sensory messages to power down? Surely, it cannot always be that it is the mind that is unable to rest.

Perhaps it is entirely subjective; an experience that differs from one person to the next. In this respect, no one will exclusively prove that temporary insomnia is the result of brain or mind malfunctioning. It’s not inconceivable that it is neither.

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Tue, 28 Feb 2012 01:43:06 +0000

Day Seven Hundred and Thirty One

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 01:42:33 +0000

Tuesday, 28 February 2012, 1.38am

Expectations put upon you by society create immense pressure. Often this pressure to far too much to bear, which is hardly surprising. You must dress, talk, and behave in a certain way, and you must like, buy, and use certain products. All to be considered ‘acceptable’, ‘normal’. But if society creates a ‘normal’ then it also creates an ‘abnormal’, and both states of being are almost undefinable. They are both undoubtedly subjective.

How does one create a projected image of themselves? How should one do that?

These are two similar questions concerned with identity, but they result in two very different answers. The latter is bound by culture, and social influence. The former is really asking for a more descriptive, say-what-you-see answer. Why is that? Why is it that what is expected of us and what we provide are two different things? Surely expectations are derivative of what we, as a race, can actually achieve.

Perhaps, on some Freudian/Adornian level, these expectations provide us with more than just pressure to conform. Is it possible that they provide us with guidelines? A safety net perhaps? What would happen if these expectations suddenly vanished? How would you know what to do with yourself without them, without these guideline giving you guidance?

That is a question that will remain Philosophical. It can never be answered. It is impossible for our existing social expectations to be taken away, and its impact measured. One can theorise that we would create a new set of expectations and conform to theme, however, how can this ever be proved?

The simple answer…it can’t.

Day Seven Hundred and Twenty Four

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 01:35:05 +0000

Tuesday, 21 February 2012, 1.34am

It has become apparent that reliance of the masses on social networking sites, such as Facebook, has become fearful. Social interaction, functioning, and communication are now dependant on them. For this reason, for the 6 weeks of Lent, I am withdrawing myself from social networking sites to experiment with its impact, and commemorate the Temptations of Christ.

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Sun, 12 Feb 2012 01:16:35 +0000

Day Seven Hundred and Six

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 03:15:52 +0000

Friday, 3 February 2012, 3.16am

Making life worth while is a driving point for me. Being able to look back, when I reach the end, and truthfully say that I LIVED is such a vital part of my being. In many ways, that has caused issues. I began to regret things I didn’t do, thinking I should have done them, and things I did do, thinking I should have done more. It’s paradoxical. But the thing is, what defines a successful life? What makes a person satisfied with all they have done? It’s a redundant question, in fact, because it is solely subjective. Travelling, visiting the great wonders of the world, listening to musical masterpieces, seeing monumental artworks. These are the things on a ideological ‘bucket list’. And that’s just it. Ideological.

You don’t have to travel the world, or see everything, or do everything to have lived a satisfactory life. Simple, everyday routines can lead to fulfilment; however mundane and depressing they may be. Everyday you do something that is unique, and worthwhile. You will be able to look back and notice things you have accomplished. And that’ is what counts. Accomplishments.

Looking to the past causes regrets. Looking to the future causes pressure. That is why the idea of focusing on the present keeps floating around. There’s truth in it.

"You suppose you are the trouble But you are the cure You suppose that you are the lock on the..."

Sun, 29 Jan 2012 18:51:04 +0000

“You suppose you are the trouble
But you are the cure
You suppose that you are the lock on the door
But you are the key that opens it
It’s too bad that you want to be someone else
You don’t see your own face, your own beauty
Yet, no face is more beautiful than yours.”

- Rumi

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Sun, 29 Jan 2012 03:34:09 +0000

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Sun, 29 Jan 2012 03:33:48 +0000

Day Seven Hundred and Three

Sun, 29 Jan 2012 03:26:00 +0000

Sunday, 29 January 2012, 3.26pm

Toy Story 3. A majorly anticipated movie, enjoyed by kids and adults alike. Those who freely admit to watching it are full of nostalgia. Those who claim they’ve never seen it are in denial. As a movie for kids, it has adventure, it has fun, and it has toys. To us though (the arguably wiser, more serious viewers), Toy Story 3 is much more than a story about toys; it is a transition, a documentation of growing up. It sees Andy moving to college, leaving home, and ultimately growing up. This is a crucial stage in our lives, in which we begin to question and learn; forming our own judgements, and becoming our own person. It’s a time everybody struggles with. Nobody copes entirely perfectly with change.

If I have yet to loose your attention, if I ever had it in the first place, then I will leave you with a quote:

“Too many people grow up. That’s the real trouble with the world, too many people grow up and forget. They don’t remember what it’s like to be 12 years old.” - Walt Disney

holydamnitsanna

Sun, 29 Jan 2012 02:38:23 +0000

holydamnitsanna

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Thu, 26 Jan 2012 01:49:03 +0000

eatsleepdraw

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 01:24:26 +0000

eatsleepdraw

Day Six Hundred and Ninety Nine

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 01:21:37 +0000

Wednesday, 25 January 2012, 1.24am

Turkey sandwiches, homemade Macaroni Cheese, late afternoon cloud gazing, and midnight swimming…

When your world is filled with ‘To-Do Lists’, your mind creates lists of its own. These lists are more desirable, more fun, more enjoyable. They result in a reduced mood and procrastination. Except, when time arises, these lists disappear and become irrelevant. Why?

Perhaps, whatever people decide to do with the life that they have been given is success. Anxiety fills me, wondering if, when my time comes, I will bear regrets like burdens. Regretting is awful. Painful. Irreversible. Final.

“We carry all these things inside that no one else can see. They hold us down like anchors, and drown us out at sea.”

Day Six Hundred and Ninety Eight

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 00:46:48 +0000

Tuesday, 24 January 2012, 12.46am

There are those who are content with coasting; drifting wherever it may be. This observation is unlikely to be groundbreaking news to you, yet it is an observation that occurs frequently without recognition. Occasionally these people may step out of one river and into another, only to coast once again. It seems to be a desirable asset; such a free, and easy way to live. I, for certain, would care very much for it. There are those, however, that repulse at the idea; to these people, coasting is not living. To live one must be active, and participate. But how can one define ‘living’? Is it even a static term? Does it not have a different definition to different people? What is considered ‘living’ to one, is likely to be different for another. It’s astonishing how capable we are…how different minds assign different meanings to the same abstract. How we can assign so much meaning to such abstract things baffles me more so.

“If this is redemption, why do I bother at all. There’s nothing to mention, and nothing has changed. Still I’d rather be working at something, than praying for the rain. So I wander on, till someone else is saved.”

Recently the Oxford comma has been, perhaps evidently, at the forefront of my writing thought processes; however awful they may be, for I am no writer.

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Tue, 24 Jan 2012 18:44:27 +0000

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Mon, 23 Jan 2012 16:10:42 +0000

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Thu, 19 Jan 2012 01:45:41 +0000